heee...

heee.... tadi mood baik.. tlg my mom....
tadaaaa! apam polka dot!

jar of hearts

i just like this song... =) don't u?

sejak bila?

enough with the sedih week...

this week ada kelas...

so... time to be happy...

dpt jumpa kawan2...

=)

yes....

btw, kenapa.... kenapa by any chance... saya jadi takut nak tulis lg... nak luahkan lg kat blog ni... sbb bila tulis status kat fb generally pun kene tegur... kat blog takyah ckp la... hmm... but, attact dtg dari sorang je... why oh why? can't i speak? can't i write? kalau kau tak suka, back off.... why oh why u must try to ensure i tak tulis dah? apa masalah anda sebenarnya? u said, cukup2 la tu kat saya... but, have u ever think, cukup2 la tu nak kutuk saya? what did i do u wrong?

.

.

.

think

.

.

.

i'm not an angel... saya pun ada buat silap... but, i can still remember clearly.... saya tak kacau awk.... but, u keep on ckp, stop writing whatever i doing.... why????

in the first place, i tak suh u baca.... u jumpa my blog pun i taktau mcm mana... then, why u nak emo tak tentu pasal? and lgpun, i can say la... my entry mostly tentang the pain and how i'm trying to live my life... tak penah tulis pasal u... until recently bila u keep on berkicauan bising2 suh stop... penah tgk tak? blog ni mula sejak bila???????????? argghhh....

i'm living my life... so... can u live yours? u know... a piece yg advise.... bila saya baca blog tentang org sakit... or kesakitan mereka or kebahagian mereka, saya tak rasa mereka pura2... setiap org ada bahagian masing2... i wont understand betapa kesakitan itu... and, that's why i respect them... tuhan dah sediakan bahagian saya... dan mereka dgn bahagian mereka... hmmm..

so... stop... =)

ok?

ok... if u dont like... i won't write it down kat fb...

*walaupun that is my right...*

but, its ok...

but hey.....

i tak tulis kat fb....

kat twitter pun....

so... my blog...

jgn kacau....

like seriously....

kau ada cara kau sendiri...

i never question it...

so....

don't u cross the line....

this is my place....

like seriously...

asyik nak jaga perasaan org....

takkan kat blog pun kene jaga lg?

yg pelik tu....

kau melenting nape?

well... siapa makan cili, dia terasa pedas...

enough said...

=)

btw, this blog...

hmmm...

this is mine...

the only place i can write...

the place yg stop me from falling a part....

a place where i takkan susahkan org...

i dont need siapa2 nye masa...

this is my time...

me and only me...

do respect it...

ok?

=)

dia ckp...

cukup2 la tu....

tak habis2 lg ke?

saya ckp...

tapi, ini hidup saya...

awk apa tau?

=)

what say u?

kepada sesiapa yg berkenaan...

i dunno how to tell u this...

but, when u asked me on how i live my life...

as if, i can have two types of life...

i can be a cheerful person, but, in this blog, the other part of me...

how do i do that?

well, with a magic trick, u can do it too!

heee

no laaa...

so, how exactly it is?

i can say this..

Allah swt always with me...

sbb tu i'm still the same me...

sbb tu, despite all the pain...

i can still act normal n laugh in front of my friends...

and because i can also think...

kalau nak layan kesedihan... ada batasannya...

bila kita bersendirian...

bila waktu itu waktu kita....

but bila waktu itu waktu kita dan family or kawan2 kita...

takkan kita nak rosakkan mood semua org?

so... lets be happy...

that is the way it is...

tu pandangan saya la..

what say u?

.

.

.

.

but, apa pun, kene hormati diri...

kene bg masa kat diri kita...

kalau diri tgh sakit, bg peluang utk luahkan kesakitan itu...

kenapa saya kata begitu?

sbb saya tau mcm mana rasa sakit itu...

bila sakit itu dtg, saya pernah tersungkur....

saya masih igt lg...

masa tu... tahun lepas....

ketika kami semua bertarung... (wah, bertarung ke?)

bertarung utk semester terakhir...

saya nampak ok je...

happy2....

but there is this one time...

i just cant take it...

bukan sbb study....

but, sbb hal hati....

what i do? saya pernah menangis senyap2 dlm bilik...

tapi masa tu.. duduk rumah sewa.. berkongsi bilik dgn kawan baik...

hmmm...

saya ckp nak tido awal...

but, hakikatnya... menangis....

but, satu ketika tu, kawan saya perasan....

akhirnya.... mereka semua... ya... mereka semua..

nasib baik kawan rumah tu semua mmg kawan baik saya...

mereka semua tanya kenapa sebenarnya dgn saya...

i try... i really try to tell...

but, there's always something i can't tell...

so, i end up in the shower... cry n cry.. but...

kemudian, diri ini sedar sendiri... takley ikutkan hati...

so, amik wudhuk, terus solat...

and, end up... menangis di hujung solat itu...

sakit.. betul....

hmmm...

ada juga satu ketika... masa tu, lepas exam...

kawan serumah ada yg keluar...

tinggal sorang ni...

so what i do?

bwk dia pi makan...

and, i just dont want to go back rumah sewa..

saya takut akan sedih lg....

so...

i end up bwk kawan saya tu round2 tanpa hala tujuan...

about 1 hour....

sbb apa?

just utk tenangkan hati...

so... siapa kata saya tak penah bersedih?

hell ya...

but, i tak bgtau...

should i?

no....

bukan semua yg mendengar itu ialah org yg nak dgr...

kan?

so, ya... kalau awk ckp awk sakit... saya juga tau sakit itu....

saya pernah laluinya...

cerita saya tu? mungkin 1% drpd kesakitan itu je...

but now, masa tu dah berlalu....

and now... i know i'm stronger than before...

the part of me yg org taktau...

but i'm sharing a bit of it...

even if no one care...

i just wanted to let it out...

=)

think

nak tau serabut mcm mana hati ni?

senang je....

tgk berapa byk entry yg muncul in one time...

haha....

i want to write...

but...

there's something holding me back...

hmmm....

ok.... maybe one by one?

baru la it is easy to write...

coz, kdg2 bila nak tulis tu... tetiba semua rasa nak dtg in one time...

susah tau!

huhu...

ok...

.

.

.

.

.

the pain, i had wrote about it a lot... now, isu lain.. k?

.

.

isu apa lg?

.

.

.

.

dilemma... i want to do something, but, i taktau kemampuan diri.. can i do it? or not? and, is this a right decision? what is the right one? no one know.. except for Allah swt.. am i right?

i want to do something, but, i will end up being alone...

eh wait...

bila sakit tu dtg... bila org tak faham... that is what i want... to be alone... i wish that i can go somewhere else where people takkan judge me...

hmmm...

atleast it will meet my objective...

let me think about it....

kan?

pernah tak rasa, apa yg dirancang, takley dilaksanakan?

and... bila nak buat.... ada je variables yg keep on changing...

bila kita buat sesuatu keputusan, kita buat guna ceteris paribus... assuming the others unchanged.. lol... but, bila we really want to do it... everythings changed... like seriously people... hmm...

seperti... when we enter a relationship... kita assume everything will be fine... kita dah ready... but somehow... berubah lg kan?

or... when we want to decide about our future.... we plan it ahead... but, bila dah dekat... berubah lg kan....?

now... why am i writing it?

sbb its related to my life...

why?

sbb....

ok.. i never imagine i will be in such a pain...

but yes... here i am...

and, i dah plan something...

but, end up...

yes...

i need to consider a lot...

and i end up,

undecided...

argghhh....

why oh why....

why is it hard to make decision?

well, it is just a part of our life...

live with it...

kan? huhu...

salingan

salingan sebentar...

this is my new favourite number...

65

oh yeahhh....

65

hahahha....

and and....

9

heeeee....

.

.

.

.

.

why why again?

sidang 9. no 65...

oh yeah!

excited sorang2... hahaha

because i said so

hmm...

u know... this is not easy... there was this one time... i'm badly injured by a man... why? sbb, ntah... sbb bodoh kot.. haha... sbb terlalu bodoh and pi suka lelaki tu betul2... but, in the end, sakit je... hmmm... so, i took a loooooooooooong time to recover... i really mean it bila i ckp a long time...

it took me more than 5 years... lepas 4-5 thn tu, i found someone... yg i igtkan... dpt membantu... membantu utk hilangkan rasa sakit tu... and hell ya, i bukan senang2 nak bukak hati... but, finally, i did... but i guess, i was wrong again... after a couple of years... yes, a couple of years.. bukan months... (hey, how old am i? hahaha...) the pain... bertambah... guess what? tiba2....

yes.. tiba2.... luka lama dtg kembali... so, berdarah kembali.... and then... the existing one... add on it... so, u know.... it hurts badly!! but, saya tetap kagum dgn diri saya... i still kuat... i will only falling into pieces when i'm alone... bila ada org... i'm the most happiest people alive... hmmm...

and guess what... now.... luka lama tu dah ok... but, the newest tu... sakit...still sakit....

but, what to do? life must go on... i cuba jadi mcm biasa.... forgiveness might help... but, i wont forget about it...

why? because i said so...

and sebenarnya...

lg sakit bila... the only place i can write what i feel and becoming me, kat situ la ada suara2 yg ckp... "ntah pape la... sedih tak tentu pasal..."

well, suara2 itu... ini pasal saya... sibuk pehal?

=)