Hmmm

Ada benda yg saya tak mampu nak jelaskan.. But saya tak suka nak sakiti hati org terutamanya kawan sendiri.. If u really know me, u patut tau mcm saya respon bila saya sakiti org.. I will try my best utk explain dan utk betulkan salah tu.. So, do u really think saya nak suka2 sakiti kamu? Hmm.. Ada kalanya, kita mungkin tak bersua, tp, deep inside, friendship lasts forever.. I might not be there always.. And, apa kata tgk dulu kenapa sesuatu benda itu berlaku? Hmmm... Saya mintak maaf pada yg saya telah sakiti dan abaikan.. Bukan niat saya.. Like seriously, do u really think saya sengaja? Hmmm..

Kepala sgt sakit.. I need a break..

saya boleh

tiba2, masalah dtg bertubi tanpa diduga... hmm... benarkah tanpa diduga? bukankah kita hidup ni kita kene selalu beringat? yes, one by one masalah yg dtg... i want to share but i just can't... kdg2, i will tell my friends tentang apa yg dlm fikiran... but, that is only one of the others... u get what i mean? apa yg benar2 dlm fikiran, keseluruhan yg berlaku, hanya saya sahaja yg tau...

kdg2, saya sedar.... maybe, ada yg silap dlm diri ini... sbb tu dpt masalah itu... and mungkin juga kerana Allah tahu yg saya mampu lakukannya... mungkin juga kerana ingin saya rasa betapa sakitnya terduduk...

saya ingin percaya yg saya boleh lalui semua ini.... ya.... saya boleh....

bila lelapkan mata, apa yg mampu saya buat ialah fikiran semua ini berulang kali....

ketenangan.... kemana hilangnya?

ya.... mmg dugaan ini dtg kerana saya semakin jauh dgn ketenangan... dugaan Allah agar saya sentiasa beringat utk sentiasa berusaha utk menjadi lebih baik...

senang ckp

bila semua org mula tak memahami kita.... kita yg perlu buat mereka faham.... and bila mereka tidak berminat utk faham, kita juga tak perlu terlalu terkesan dgn hal itu... 

yg penting, diri sendiri jgn putus asa pada diri sendiri.. hmmm... 

ada masanya, apa yg kita rancang takkan berjalan lancar.. takkan mengikut seperti yg kita rancang... yes, it will be hard... but, what to do... we have to accept it... the way we accept those happy moments... =) 

i think, the more we questions tentang sesuatu, the more stress we will be and kita semakin sukar nak terima hakikat....

yes, i know, senang la nak ckp.. kita yg akan rasa.... 

and, have u ever face this... bila u fight for it gile2... then, bila u dah dpt, u wish u dont get it in the first place.. hmm... tu la contohnya apa yg kita nak bukanlah semestinya yg terbaik utk kita.. =) 

yes, keyakinan diri itu penting... kita yakin yg kita mampu laluinya... but, percayalah.. hanya Allah benar2 tahu kemampuan kita.... mungkin apa yg kita mahukan itu bukanlah yg kita mampu tempuhi... 

dont let

cherish those simple yet sweet memories....

=)

dont let one bitter memory ruin the others...

cherish the person by giving all the love u can give....

if they really take the effort to rectify things, dont shut them off....

takde siapa tau..... mungkin, itu yg akan kuatkan hubungan itu?

i'm back

now i'm back.... 

=)

i have a lot to say... a lot to write... =)

sila bersabar....

for them

hari tu before my exam, i went out with my best girl friends... we spend almost one whole day together... the mission started on Friday directly after my class where i need to fetch one of my friend yg dtg all the way from Pahang... haaa... why? well... sbb kami nak berkumpul sbb one of our best friend is going to overseas for her studies... =)

Masa tu terasa sgt happy n excited.... dah lama kami tak berkumpul beramai2 mcm tu.... and yeah i miss all of them sooooo much!

kami spend most of our time together....

shaza, dia ialah kawan sebelah saya setiap sem.... sejak july 2006 hingga nov2010... lama kan? =) i really gonna miss her.....

all of them sgt bermakna buat saya....

i love all of you so much!

               

ili. me. anis. shaza. dina

ili. me. dina 

shaza.hana.ili

beautiful girls... =) love them so much!

yes, we gonna have another reunion once u r back syg.. =)

my first ever roommate!

Masa dgn mereka terlalu berharga... kami dah lalui macam2... happy.. sedih... and yes, kami pernah je ada argument... but u know what... that's because we loves each other so much.... i really cherish each one of them and yes, i am who i am because of them.... we might not be together always... but, i have a lot of special moments with each of them.... shaza, we always bergossip dua org bila ada break masa blaja... we used to talk to the phone sekali ni lama gile... we even beli baju yg lebih kurang sama... from no car to a car... hehe...

dina, dia yg paling senyap n dia yg paling lembut antara kami... and, paling muda also... i treat her like my lil sister and i tend to buli her... but even dia yg paling muda, sometimes, she's the one yg melayan saya.... but, once dia sakit, i'm soooooo worry and i even dont mind utk duduk sebelah dia n tukar kain kat kepala dia setiap masa.... awww... i miss those moment....

ili, dia ni umpama ada connection with my mind as dia tau je apa yg saya nak katakan so end up bila nak kenakan dia, dia akan cepat kenekan saya balik.... she's my roommate masa last sem degree... i talked a lot with her sbb walaupun dia matang, dia akan melayan je perangai tak matang saya.... heeee..... she's the best! =)

hana, dia yg paling tenang sekali... sbb dia selalu blur.. hehe... suka kenekan dia sbb selalunya mesti berjaya.. hehe.... saya sgt suka buli dia.. eh wait... saya mmg suka membuli org ke? hehe....

no la... but sbb hana ili dina ialah my housemates... so, i loves to kacau them.... i will do a lot of things... seperti... i can even wait outside the room utk terkejutkan mereka.. or bila mereka pakai tudung i will purposely berdiri depan cermin... hahaha.... but i really care about them... kalau hari yg kelas petang, slalunya i'm the one yg bangun awal... so, since i'm the one yg ada kereta, i will go out and belikan sarapan utk each of them... hehe.. i know what they want...sangat rindukan saat tu sbb nanti bila mereka bangun, tiba2 dah ada sarapan... weeee..... =)

anis anis anis..... dia umpama seorang kakak, adik, and semua2... dia byk membantu saya... dulu masa saya takde lesen kereta, dia yg dgn sabarnya akan drive saya.. hehe... so now, saya akan membawa dia pula... weeee.... oh, u knowwww.... kami rapat sampaikan pernah satu hari, i was like so malas, so dia tlg potongkan kuku saya...... hehe... actually takde la malas mana but saje nak bermanja... weeee.... oh.... suka ckp dgn dia before tido...

aww... bila tulis ni, saya perasan i have a lot... like.. A LOT of memories with them yg tak mampu nak tulis semuanya... and, amazingly, i can remember each one really well....

they meant a lot to me... i love them... =) deep from my heart... take care syg semua...

=)

random

Jujur pada diri walaupun ketika kamu tak ingin mengaku kebenaran... 

Kebenaran itu mmg menyakitkan utk kita terima dan fahami..

Fahami diri walaupun kamu rasakan ianya terlalu sukar...

Sukar atau senang, kita harus bersyukur...

Bersyukur juga bermaksud menerimanya sepenuh hati.. 

Hati akan lebih kuat jika kamu percaya pada diri pada ketika mereka tidak....

Tidak, jangan mudah mengalah hanya kerana kamu diberikan cabaran...

Cabaran ialah rutin hidup,tiada siapa akan selamanya berada di atas dan selamanya berada di bawah.... Terima segalanya dgn hati yg terbuka....

Terbuka dlm menerima pendapat org lain akan buatkan kita menghargai setiap sesuatu... 

Sesuatu yg terbuku dlm fikiran dan hati hanya diri kita dan Allah sahaja yg tahu... 

=)

let's think

hmm... benda ni dah lama dlm simpanan tp tak publish... so here it goes.... =)

We always want to be like someone else.. And that someone want to be like us.. This is mainly because we tend to want something that we can see.. 


Whatever that someone owned, we can see it clearly.. So, yes, we want it.. 


But, we never take time to take a deep look at ourselves.. 


What do we have? 


Well, for start.. look into the mirror.. Look at yourselves.. u yourself is good enough.. u don't have to be like her/him to look good.. :) now, look around u.. Start with your room maybe? Look at what u have.. Your surrounding.. Your family.. Your friends.. :) 


u might lack in something, but, why must we be too perfect? Unique is good.. We don't have to be "prototype".. U know.. Prototype, when we set all the criteria we want and create the prototype that have all the criteria.. We don't have to be perfect.. 


Look at her, she's clumsy.. But can u see, she's unique.. :) that clumsiness kinda cute.. :) 


now, look inside your soul.. Your inner part.. U are strong like that "someone" u want to be.. :) eh wait, u might even stronger than them.. :) we might not be strong in every aspect of life.. But, there r times we r stronger than other people..

Ok, now, why should we keep on comparing ourselves with the others? Why? Who said that those "someone" life is the way to live our life? Haih.. Why oh why we must keep on comparing? Why don't we just live our life as it is?

something good for them is not necessarily good for us as well and vice versa...  =)


Well,that's the question for me and you to ponder on.. :) till I see u again in the next entry.. :)

positive

wah... dah lama rasanya tak menulis.... why? been busy preparing for my exam... and how its over for now... =)

been writing a lot but save kat ipod je n tak publish.... setiap kali down, i will write...setiap kali happy akan tulis... =)

but, i wont publish it now since itu dah lepas... hee....

ada org rindu entry from me tak? weeee... harap2 ada... hehe... but if takde pun takpe sbb i just write utk diri sendiri... =)

exam kali ni mengajar saya mcm2.... ok, before ni masa diploma n degree, ada la kesukaran ketika belajar... but i can still be okay sbb ada ramai kawan2.... but now, its a professional paper and i do it by myself.... yeah, so the tense was there when i go to class alone and come back at night... the feeling of loneliness when lecturer bg break 5 minit but i dont have anyone to talk to.... the feeling of loneliness bila ada soalan tp taktau nak tanya kawan mana... hmmm... yes, it was tough for me.... i miss my friends badly..... like serious... my studymates... but, all i can do was to just pretend like everything is okay.. and hey... guess what, it does really seems to be okay... dah lama2 akan terbiasa n dah tak kisah..... and after that, Allah SWT mmg sygkan saya... i got a friend in my finance class.... dia mcm seorang kakak yg always ask me whether i'm ok... she's even called me right after exam to know whether i'm alright... and bila lepas habis exam another paper, dia msg n tanya juga... =) Alhamdulillah... bila rasa sunyi dulu, i found a friend.... alhamdulillah....

hmm... ckp pasal exam... one of the paper that i took, i just know i wont make it this sem and gonna repeat it.. i'm so down and i told my brother n mother about it.... now i'm ok... yes, in term of studies, its been awhile that i really feel the disappointment... and now... i will face it... i will face it... when we r falling hard to the ground, we must always prepare to bounce back... =)

so, benda dah berlalu akan teruskan berlalu.... now lets talk about those happy things...

oh.... my best friend is going to UK soon! gonna miss her badly.... =( i wish all the very best to her.... last time kitorang berkumpul ramai2, that was really a sweet memory that i wont forget.... forever... hope to spend time mcm tu again.... =)

oh, i have a lot to do... like a lot...and i have a lot of friends that i need to meet... semua kene tunda since i'm busy with my exam last time... heeee.... now, i dont remember the last time i just spend my day read a good book... heeee..... i'm so thankful to Allah for this.... =) yes, we need to work hard, and this is my rest time.... =)

ops, i need to go out now, gonna write more soon...

=)

i'm in a positive mood...

malas

kdg2, rasa berat kat hati ni.... bila menyedari diri kita tak diperlukan seperti mana org lain.... bila kita sedar we r not fun as others.... bila kita sedar hidup kita membosankan dan tidak berjaya utk memberi impak pada org lain....

hmmm... kita happy bersama org itu... but, org tu sebenarnya bosan dgn kita... kemudian ada org yg happy bersama dgn kita.. but kita pula larikan diri... haihhh..... putaran....

malas nak fikir2 lg... penat!

been busy

been busy for the past few weeks... hehe... *aik, fulltime student pun busy ke?*

haha... yes i am... been busy running around here and there to settle up things for my family... helping my mom to buy the groceries... take her out for shopping... helping my brother to take things from here to there.... follow him for business trip *but i more like enjoying it as holiday*.... go to class.... try to meet up with friends... kemas rumah... kemas ini.. kemas itu.... driving here n there.... etc etc.... so, siapa kata student tak busy? haha....

i even belum ada masa utk betul2 duduk mengadap buku n understand apa yg sedang dipelajari sem ini.. haih.... but that is totally my fault... sbb bila habis kelas, sampai rumah terus tgk cerita korea n then terus tido... but i just can't help it sbb best la citer tu.... hee...

ok, now i'm talking nonsense... heee....

actually this post supposedly is created to remind myself that i need to prioritize things... since my trial exam is just around the corner, i need to put my studies above all.... the thing is, when am i going to start studying? haaa... that's the problem.... well.... this is not an easy paper and this is really freaking me out.... i never been so lost like this.. but hey, what's the point of freaking out? i just need to calm down n start working on it.. right?

great, when the positiveness is there, i can keep it moving.. so... if u have any negative aura, dont come near me... haha... kidding! come come, i will give u some of the positiveness... hehe...

btw, i know, since i'm soooo freaking busy for the past few weeks, i didn't contact most of my friends... here, i want to truly apologies for it.... =) i'm busy, everyone of us will come across a point where we r so busy that we cant even reply any msg.. right? 

till then, may Allah give us strength to live the life... Amin... =)

Byk

Bila ada terlalu byk difikiran, i jadi more and more grumpy.. Ada je yg tak kene akan saya tinggikan suara.. And selepas tinggikan suara, i will always realized how bad it is and try to makes things right.. Hmm.. But kdg2, bila fikirkan balik, siapa suruh tangguhkan kerja, sbb tu la otak semak dgn benda2 tu.. If saya teruskan buat sesuatu n siapkan, i wont be too stress like now.. Haih!

After i think about the question i asked on the previous entry, i dont think i need an answer.. People changed is a normal thing.. Its like i want to ask why cat loves fish or why the moon is round.. U get what i mean? Hee.. We dont have to understand everything.. :)

Why

So hard when i try to decide on something small, i make a big deal of it.. Heee.. Ok, put it this way, i'm just someone who loves to plan what i should be doing in advance.. Even if i'm out, usually i will plan my road n destination.. But this is partly because i'm sucks in remembering roads and i will end up to somewhere else.. Huhu.. I can even lost if i use GPS.. Haih, it think it is due to because i get annoyed easily by the voice that keep on recalculating the route and ask me to turn right or left.. And because i dont trust the device as it keep on giving me the route that are far than it should be.. Hmmm..

Eh, my point is, i always plan in advance what i should do.. I dont want to miss ou any important factors.. And yes, that is actually not a pleasant act.. Lol.. Can u imagine how stress i am when everything i planned for is not on track? Heee.. So yeah, i try to be more spontaneous and it actually work except of the part im still always lost while driving.. Hee.. And guess what, i actually enjoy organizing my schedule.. I feels more alive when i have a schedule to follow.. Now that i think about it, i think i'm such a boring person.. Lol! Heee...

Btw, why is it when we grow older, we change? I dont like to do the things i used to love and i enjoy do something i used to hate.. Haih.. Trying to understand every single thing is hard..

Bagus?

Been trying so hard so that she accept me as i am.. But i guess that is just too much to ask from her.. So, here i am.. I give up.. I dah cuba sebaik mungkin, but im not good enough.. And i dont want this to drag me down or buat saya sedih.. Cukuplah.. She herself is not so much a good person.. Plus, apa yg dia igtkan dia tu bagus sgt? Huh!

Short

Hidup kita tak sempurna.. Tp, kita cuba utk hargai segalanya utk hidup lebih bahagia.. :) kdg2 hidup kita sgt menyakitkan, tp, kita cuba utk kekalkan yg manis utk kita lebih bersyukur.. Tp, ada kalanya, beban tu sgt berat.. Dan kita tak mampu nak pikulnya.. Tp, yg penting, kita nak cuba juga.. :) i want to be able to wake up 10 yrs later and says how stupid i am to do it rather than how scared i am of not even trying..

Life is too short to keep on whining.. :)

Kenapa?

Kdg2, bila kita dah buat salah sekali, ada org takkan mampu maafkan kita dan sentiasa akan igt hal tu and even bila kita dah try our best to be a better person, apa saje yg kita buat hanya akan annoy org tu.. Walaupun kita bg perhatian pada dia more than kita layan org lain, walaupun kita bersabar dgn dia more than org lain, but disbbkan silap yg lalu, nothing is good enough and kehadiran kita tak dialukan sgt.. Even if dia terima, hanya secara luaran.. This is exactly what my friend told me.. Susah nak berbaik semula bila org tu dah bencikam kita.. Cuma, hal ni buat saya berfikir..

Kenapa perlu org itu berusaha amik hati org yg bencikan dia? Oh, katanya kerana itu lah kawan baiknya yg dia syg.. Tp, persoalannya, berbaloikah dia dilayan mcm tu? Dia dah berusaha amik hati, tp, org yg taknak maafkan dia tu hukum dia terlalu berat.. Dia abaikan perasaan org tu dan biarkan saje org yg terus terusan amik hati dia.. Bila dia malas nak layan, kata2 dia sgt sinis.. Haih... Bila fikir balik, saya rasa tak berbaloi utk org tu bersabar lg.. Saya faham dia sygkan persahabatan tu, tp, apa gunanya bila usaha dia dilihat sebagai merimaskan dan apa saje yg dia lakukan dilihat sebagai annoying? Apa guna dia amik hati bila org tu dgn terang terang katakan yg dia takde kawan baik dan takde kawan yg dia percayai? Apa guna?

But yeah, tu pendapat saya.. Kawan saya tentu lebih tau.. :)

my current fav - 1st

OMG, suka sgt lagu ni... bley dgr one whole nite n cry...



Christine Perri The lonely

my current fav - 2nd

• sara bareilles breathe again

look back

dlm hidup ni... kita kene sentiasa pandang positive...

kalau susah mcm mana pun, look back... dulu kita kuat kan? insyaAllah kita akan jadi lagi kuat...

kalau kita gagal, look back... kejayaan lama pun bukan senang utk dicapai,kan? ada byk halangan juga kan... insyaAllah, kita boleh...

kalau kita hilang semangat... look back.... ada sesuatu yg tersirat dan berharga yg keep us running... insyaAllah....

yg penting, bila kita rasa keseorangan... look back.... ada family dan kawan2 yg menyokong.... pandang la itu.. itu lebih berharga drpd org2 yg ingin menarik kita jatuh... =) and again, Allah sentiasa dgn kita...

=)

tenang

ok, pengakuan jujur....
sebenarnya sejak mula kelas hari tu masa july, i'm not happy.... partly sbb ada paper yg kene amik sorang2.... mmg hati tak happy.. takde semangat... haih....

but, now, rasa ni... Alhamdulillah... hati dan fikiran ni mula bertenang... harap2 lepas ni bila mula kelas, dpt la semangat tu kembali...

Pray for me ya?

=)

thanks....

wont hurt to change

i know the person yg saya paling selalu ckp ialah diri sendiri....
like seriously la kan...

haih.. ada masanya... i was just way too rude.... or mudah sgt marah.... masa tu la diri akan mula berkata2 dlm hati....

"nape kau ckp mcm tu nur? i know kau takley bunyi bising while tgk berita, but, people is talking with u... how could u..."
"hmm.. tu la... nur tak patut tetiba masamkan muka or perli mcm tu... oh.... ;( "

so, i will quickly justify it... and mintak maaf if tu buatkan org terasa...

yes... saya mengaku saya ada masanya cepat melenting lg2 sesuatu yg melibatkan bunyi bising... but, i will always try to change that...

it wont hurt to change to be a better person... kan? =)

session

saya nak jadi positive setiap hari....
how?
bila rasa mcm nak down, i will tell myself benda2 utk bangkitkan semula semangat...
bila rasa ada yg tak kene, i will try to remember the happy things....
things like that....

but, yes... ada hari2 yg i just can't...
hmmm....
i will break down and just let everything to take over me...
i will be sad for the whole night...
i will stress out thinking about this and that....

BUT...

that's all...
after a session of that...
the next morning, i will wake up with a new happy mood...
=)

the things is, sometimes, i'm too hard on myself.... i want everything to be perfect... what is perfect? maybe the standard is way too high for me to reach.... but when it come to some one else, i always motivate them to go easy with theirself... haih.. tu la... easy say than done... heee....

ok.. but, that's it... today my happy mood day... everything insyaAllah will be ok...

=)

care about u

haha... nasihat org.. jgn buat org, nanti akan kene batang hidung sendiri... =)

org suka kat kita, kita tolak....

nanti bila kita suka kat org, kita la plak kene tolak....

faham?

=)

actually this post patutnya nak jadi emo semacam...
but while trying to write it, my cat is looking at me and just refuse to sleep... auwww... so sweet of her...

so ya... i can see that no use for me to be sad over a small matter... i still have a lot other happy things to think of... so, why must i over focus on that one? am i right?

=)

when u r sad, look around... someone out there care about u...

=)

not the same

bila kali terakhir saya rasa ok? ouh... hari tu... heee...

i know i will be ok...

cuma nanti mula la kan rasa mcm teringat2 hal lalu...

heee....

my life is much easier when u r only my friend... 

and yes, i will choose for that to be the same....

sbb back then, i can just talk to u without thinking too much...

haih... now?

everything is not the same anymore...

hmmm...

fine

ok.. this is not right... totally not right...
tak suka bila nak buat post randomly utk perasaan sendiri, ada yg terasa...
tak suka bila saya buat post utk bg seseorang faham, dia tak faham plak...
arrggghhhh...

ok, u r asking whether my post is regarding u... kan?
fine... u want one... i give u.... this is want i feel...

i appreciate your existence.. really... saya boleh berkongsi cerita bila saya mahu... but, there will be time i just dont feel like talking.... why? for a few of reasons... antaranya... kdg2 mmg tak rasa nak ckp... kdg2, sbb kang if share, u will takutkan lg saya dgn comment2... or... ada masa, anda akan terasa.... haih..... soooooo.... plz la... when u do that, i feel like want to run away.... hmmm....

saya tau la nak hargai org guna cara saya.... if i want to tell u, i will tell u... malah, slalunya, even if saya diam pun, akhir2 nanti, i will tell u... so... dont push me la.... nak care about me? good.... i appreciates it.... i like people care about me.... but, jgnla sampai make me takley buat pape... or, jgnla nak risau melebihi saya risaukan diri saya...

arrgghhh... i dont like to think about it.... come on.... care about me is good, dont be over sensitive with me.... takkan la i can't write randomly what i feel.. takkan la semua yg i feel is regarding u? u make me feel hard for me to let out what i feel sbb everytime i want to write something, i need to think, "eh, kang dia igt post ni pasal dia plak..." or "ala, nanti dia fikir bukan2"

argghh... u got what i mean? dont do that... let me let out what i feel.... if u reallt want to ask, then, tanya la, r u ok? i'm here if u want to share anything.... haaa... see.... klu mcm tu, saya takkan stress.... faham?

sgt susah nak menulis utk buat diri sendiri bila saya terlalu kene fikir apa effect setiap post pada anda... dont do that...

for real?

i wish i can hide my prob the way i hide the post i dont want to read at fb... i wish i can delete my prob the way i delete my unwanted files...
haih....
apa yg kau mengarut ni nur?
apa?
my mind just can't stop...
something is not right....
but i dunno what is it....
haih....
stop it... this time for real.. shut the computer off and sleep!

end up

what's wrong? i dunno what... i just can't get it right... i'm stressing out over what? no... i dunno...
what i can do? trying to have fun and ignore it...
but, that wont last long...
i will end up having a restless night...

all i want

all i wanted to do is talk to u....
i wish i could...

all i wanted to do is worry about nothing...
but, that's impossible...

all i want is for u to understand...
but, that's too much to ask...

all i want to do is to have good night sleep...
but, i just can't...

all i want to do is to scream and let it all out...
but, i just can't get it out...

all i want to do is to let it go..
but, i dunno what is the thing i'm holding on...

all i want is to understand me better...
but, i just get confuse day by day...

all i want is to have a good life,
but, that's not me to decide...

all i want is for someone to understand,
but, it's impossible when i also can't get it right...

hmm... so much in my mind... i can't stop.... i just can't.... feel like i'm running to no end...

=(

i just dunno what's wrong...

oucchhhh

ouch... tangan sakit.. hmmm...

great... now semua yg terjadi related to each other n menjadi besar....

yes... i do have some probs yg saya sendiri taktau kenapa... but, yeah... dah beberapa minggu i just can't sleep... i will end up lying on my bed and force myself to sleep... dah 3-4pagi pun kdg2 susah nak tido... hmmm.... i dunno why.. i dunno apa yg saya tgh fikirkan n stresskan...

but, i guess, ni dah mula memberi effect... tangan mula sakit... my body just cant take it... hmm.... i guess i need to stop.. but, i dunno exactly what's on my mind....

arrgghhhh... great, now lg stress... huhu...

arrgghhh

rasa mcm nak tulis mcm2 yg bermain dlm otak ni... ni versi geram sorang2...

ok, firstly...

aiyoo... menyampah tahap gileeee punya kat one of my so called friend... selama ni saya akan bersabar je no matter what dia ckp.. no matter if dia akan sentiasa salahkan saya itu dan ini... sabar je bila dia kutuk saya sbb saya anggap je tu as gurauan... but, if saya bergurau dgn dia, dia akan ungkit and ckp saya mmg sengaja... like whatever la.... memula dulu, yes, saya akan bersabar je... why? sbb saya suka berkawan dgn dia.. or lebih terus terangnya, saya suka kat dia... like euwwww..... but hey, manusia kan tak lari dari kesilapan... yes, i know setiap benda happen for reason... but, if i can change my life, i will let everything stay the same sbb tu yg jadikan siapa saya hari ni, but, i will surely hope i can see siapa dia sebenarnya before sukakan dia... geram sgt sgt... ok, org akan ckp, sabar je la.. tak elok bergaduh... but, org org yg berckp.... cuba kamu berada ditempat saya... dia ni dah terlalu melampau... like seriously.... yes, saya tak pernah menyampah kat org mcm saya menyampah kat dia sekarang ni.... malah, benci gile... rasa nak buang dia daripada kotak fikiran..... can't even tgk dia dlm friend list.... rasa menyampah yg melampau.... huh!! boleh blah la dia... benci ok... dan dia fikir diri dia bagus sgt... u know what? boleh blah....!
 hmm

the longer

the more you think about it,
lg byk u will get hurt...

so.... why dont u just sit back and take it as it is...
=)

the only way u will get hurt is because u let it be... kan?

dah tau hal tu akan menyesakkan fikirnan, just stop thinking about it...

i'm good...
Thanks to Allah SWT..

taknak

hati masih lg rasa sgt kecewa... seperti dada penuh dgn kesakitan tu... seperti setiap saat hati asyik bergelut dgn otak agar tidak fikirkannya... kenapa kenapa kenapa.. yaaa... saya pernah rasa begini... but, itu dulu... and tu pun sbb org tu ialah org yg mmg saya patut sedihkan.. tapi kali ini, org ni bukanlah org yg saya patut sedihkan.. but, sejak mendgr berita itu... arrgghhh.. terasa pedih di hati.... saya bukan mudah suka... but, nampaknya, kali ni, saya suka.. and, saya kecewa before sempat saya happy....

aduh... terasa setiap ruang hati ni penuh dgn racun... bibir tak mampu nak tersenyum ikhlas bila berdepan dgn dia...

sakit.. sgt sakit.... saya taknak rasa ini... but, entahlah.... bukan senang kan....

=(

takkan hilang.

ever since i heard about that news,
i'm not happy...

yaa... saya boleh je happy.. but, deep inside, i'm disappointed...

again...
hati tiba2 rasa pedih...
bibir tiba2 sukar nak lakar senyuman....
mulut kelu dan terdiam membisu....

tiba2, saya tak reti nak bergurau...
tiba2, saya rasa sgt kecewa...

=(

how i wish u know how i feel about u and u feel the same thing too... hmmm...

but, i'm sure... this is a lesson to me...

i will take it as it is...

but, for now... rasa sakit takkan hilang... =(  

stop?

a new beginning...

i will walk in this path slowly...

and when i'm comfortable, i will run....

but, i will always slow down and be prepare to walk again...

coz i know i will need to stop to deal with some issue before i can proceed...

u got what i mean?

=)

cita2 saya

ada kalanya, kita perlu berhenti asyik melihat apa yg org ada....
kalau kita dah buat sesuatu keputusan,
yakinlah dgn keputusan itu...
takperlu la tiba2 rasa ragu apabila melihat org lain...
tak perlu kita nak menyesal dgn apa yg kita lakukan...

apa yg patut dilakukan ialah fikir balik...
apa yg kita mahukan..
apa yg kita fikirkan ketika kita membuat keputusan itu....

sila pastikan diri ini sentiasa dlm jalan yg betul...

jgn terpesong melihat org...
kita tak perlu asyik mengikut telunjuk org...
kita tak perlu menjadi itu dan ini kerana org....
igt...
kejar cita2 sendiri...
bukan kejar cita2 org lain...
biarlah kalau cita2 kita byk jatuh bangun dan cita2 kita tak sehebat cita2 org lain..
tapi, kita mampu pandang kedepan dan berkata...
"inilah cita2 aku"
kan?

apa guna sibuk mengikut jejak org...?
kerana setiap org, keinginan kita khas utk kita...
nak jadikan idola?
silakan...
but, sila jadi org yg ada wawasan sendiri...
bukan sekadar copy cat...

so... biarlah jika org pandang rendah...
ini cita2 saya...
=)

terlepas?

ok.. bila hati je yg tau... benda tu sakit...

but, bila saya berani utk share dgn org...

tiba2, perasaan tu bertambah jelas...

tiba2.. rasa mcm hal tu tertulis kat dahi...

terasa mcm kata2 tu kat hujung lidah...

tiba2, saya jadi janggal bila berdepan dgn dia...

tiba2, saya jadi takut kalau2 lidah saya terlalu mudah terlepas ckp...

tiba2, saya rasa dia akan tau apa yg saya rasakan...

aahhhhh... things are much easier when i dont realized it...

much much easier...

hmmm...

enough...

stop...

sempadan

mmg benar... bila berckp tentang hal ni, hati mula terasa pedih n sakit...

haih....

sakit... mmg sakit...

nak cuba lari drpdnya...

sbb tak sanggup nak rasakan sakit itu lagi...

pedih.. hati rasa sgt pedih...

terasa nafas terhenti mendgr berita itu....

terasa sgt sakit...

tapi.... itula akibat bila kita melampaui batasan....

dia tak memberi apa2 harapan...

kita sendiri yg salah...

soooo...

yes.....

letak sempadan itu...

dan pastikan diri kita jauhi sempadan itu..

jgn fikir utk cross over...

end of story...

sakitt...

sembunyi

kenapa bila melihat situasi itu, hati aku tiba2 terasa pedih? tiba2 rasa senyuman aku tak dpt nak manis... hanya kerana dia? hmmm... mungkin, selama ni aku cuba utk bersembunyi dgn keadaan sebenar.. aku cuba sedapkan hati... tidak mahu mengaku.. but, bila melihat situasi yg membawa perkhabaran itu, tiba2.... hati terasa pedih.. deep inside... i'm sad...

yes..... i am...

why? maybe sbb saya tak pernah nak mengaku hal itu, tapi ya.. mmg benar sangkaan itu.. hmmm...

well, whatever la....

takkan saya nak rosakkannya...

terima saja...

plus, salah diri sendiri...

but yes.... sgt sgt pedih dihati dan rasa nak berduka sebulan..

pffftt....

berdrama pula...

cukup2 la nur..

if u boleh sembunyikan hal itu dulu, why dont u sembunyikan pedih itu sekarang?

maseh..

dia.... =)

5 tahun lalu.... saya kenal dia.... ya... pertemuan pertama kami sgt lancar... kejadian dia duduk di atas tulang saya... saya takkan lupa.... sebenarnya pertemuan kami ialah kebetulan kerana masing2 "dikecewakan"...

ketika tu, kami masing2 sdg membuka bicara dgn org lain... tapi, nampaknya org itu tidak berminat.. so, tiba2 bila pusing, terlihat dia... dan bermulalah perkenalan kami...

dgn dia.... saya selesa... saya boleh menjadi diri sendiri... saya mampu tergelak besar tanpa perlu fikir jika itu akan memalukan sesiapa.. dgn dia, saya boleh berbicara tentang sesuatu yg tidak masuk akal, tapi, somehow, dia akan memahaminya dan mengikut percakapan saya.... hehe...

dgn dia.. saya boleh mengada2 bagai budak yg tak cukup umur... dgn dia, saya tak malu nak bercerita susah senang hidup saya... dgn dia, saya buat benda2 bodoh.. ya... i know... kawan yg baik ialah kawan yg takkan ckp betapa bodohnya kita, tapi, akan ikut kita buat benda bodoh itu... hehe... yes... dia mmg kawan yg baik....

dgn dia.. saya mampu bergaduh.. bermasam muka.. tapi... hanya utk seketika.. saya akan memujuknya kembali dan selesaikan pertengkaran itu... yg penting, kami tak penah igt kenapa kami bergaduh.. sbb, yg kami igt, saat2 kami happy...

dgn dia, saya menaruh sepenuh kepercayaan... dgn dia... saya sanggup bertolak ansur... ya.. dia mmg istimewa.... kerana dia ikhlas.... =)

saya syg dia... syg sgt... dulu pernah, saya pernah terfikir, kalau2 dia akan lupakan saya dan takkan syg saya lagi.. tapi saya tau.... kepercayaan itu penting.... =)

saya percaya dia.. and, saya akan sentiasa tanya dia walaupun ada org ckp apa2...

dia... dia sentiasa percaya pada saya... disaat saya tak percaya siapa saya...

dia... dia sgt sgt istimewa... why? sbb dia ialah dia....

saya takkan minta ganti... saya takkan ubah apa pun tentang dia... =)

5 years and counting...

=)

W.H.A.W.A, i love u!

p/s: u know who u are.. =)

kita

mungkin...

jika saya pilih utk kurangkan bermimpi,

saya akan kurang berharap...

ya.. saya tau...

dgn bermimpi la kita mampu mencari jalan utk melaksanakannya...

but... itu isu lain...

ini isu lain...

percayala... ada benda2 yg mmg perlu usaha utk dptkannya...

tapi, ada benda yg kita tak patut usaha atau memaksa...

kita akan tau bila tiba masanya...

mungkin...

bukan semua kisah akan berakhir dgn apa yg kita inginkan...

tetapi, tetap akan menjadi sesuatu yg mengembirakan....

mungkin....

jika kita lihat drpd sudut lain....

kita akan nampak sesuatu yg terselindung...

mungkin...

jika kita tetapkan sendiri masa depan kita...

kita berhenti mengikut rentak org..

kita akan lakukan sesuatu yg sesuai utk kita...

sesuatu yg mengembirakan hati kita...

instead of...

melakukan sesuatu yg mengembirakan hati org lain...

mungkin....

memilih utk berani menjadi sesuatu yg lain itu lebih mencabar...

tapi... 

mungkin hasilnya cukup memuaskan hati KITA...

hargai

kepercayaan dah diberi...
kesempatan telah dibuka...
masa utk sentiasa igt....
sila berusaha utk diri...

=)

hargai apa yg ada...
diberi kesempatan itu bukan utk disiakan...

=)

tidak

dia muncul...

tetapi.... saya tak pernah tau dia siapa...

dia hanya muncul dlm mimpi...

tapi, mimpi hanya mainan tidur...

kan?

dia tidak wujud...

tak mungkin dia wujud...

dan kalau dia wujud sekalipun...

dia bukan utk saya...

ini hanyalah mainan tidur bila otak saya terlalu penat...

hanyalah mainan tidur...

tidak....

dia tidak wujud...

bila tiba masanya

sgt pelik bila hidup kita tiba2 sunyi...
bila kita dpt dgr bunyi kipas berpusing...
bunyi jam berdetik...
bunyi jantung berdengup...

tiba2, bunyi2 tu menjadi mainan telinga kita...
tidak lg lagu2 yg indah dah dirakam...
tiba2, apa yg kita mahukan hanyala bunyi sunyi itu...
supaya saya dpt dgr apa kata hati saya...
mungkin, selama ini,
saya yg tak pernah mendgr apa kata hati saya...
mungkin saya terlalu sibuk mendgr lagu2 org....
cerita2 org...
kata2 org...

mungkin.... sekarang... hati saya nak bersuara...
mungkin.... dia ingin difahami...
.
.
.
.
tapi....
mungkin juga, saya tak perlu keadaan sunyi utk mendgr...
bila tiba masanya...
saya akan terus dgr..
walaupun ketika itu suasana riuh rendah...
tapi...
jika dah tiba masanya utk hati bersuara...
saya akan tetap dpt dgr...
=)
*faith*

benda itu akan terjadi...
jika Allah menbenarkannya...
=)

berharga

mungkin ada yg tak kene...

mungkin sbb tu saya rasa lain...

but, sampai bila saya nak cuba betulkan benda2 yg tak kene tu?

and sampai bila saya nak takut ambil langkah yg salah sbb taknak benda jadi tak kene?

maybe... keadaan menjadi salah utk beri ruang utk kita berusaha lebih...

maybe... keadaan menjadi salah utk beri kesempatan utk kita lihat diri sendiri...

yg penting, bila kita rasa tak yakin...

always remember... 

u must move forward...

apa guna duduk di takuk lama?

buat apa stay kat tempat yg sama?

hanya sbb takutkan benda menjadi salah, 

kita memilih utk stay kat situ?

huh... rugi2....

kita mmg manusia yg rugi kalau kita amik keputusan utk stay n taknak buat apa2...

patutnya, kita bergerak kedepan,

walaupun kita tau ada bala bakal menimpa...

apa yg tersurat akan tetap terjadi...

siapa kita utk halangnya?

patutnya, kita maju kedepan...

mana tau, selepas selesai bala itu, 

ada sesuatu?

mungkin sesuatu yg tidak dpt dilihat...

tapi, berharga...

u get what i mean?

=)

cuba

Percaya...
=)
InsyaAllah...

Susah?
Cuba....
dah cuba?
cuba kuat lg....
InsyaAllah...

=)

thank you

i shouldn't be complaining about how hard life is... kita semua tak patut ckp apa2...
kalau hidup ni senang sgt, i won't be the same me... i won't be appreciating life... i won't be a more considerate person.. kan?

so.. no matter how hard it is.... kita kene kuat.. kita kene sentiasa igtkan diri kita...
and even masa kita tgh bergembira, jgnla kita lupa dimana kita before kita bergembira...

and, sepanjang perjalanan ni.. kita akan berjumpa dgn org yg membantu kita.. ada yg cuma nak jatuhkan kita.. ada yg perjalanan kita bertembung kerana takdir tuhan kerana kita dpt membantu masing2...

ada org2 yg mmg ditakdirkan utk stay dlm life kita dan beri sokongan dan percaya kat kita walaupun ramai yg tak percaya pada kita... so, to them, thank you...

ada juga org2 yg takdir utk stay dlm life kita dan sentiasa memberi dugaan dan sentiasa membuat sesuatu utk lemah semangat kita.... but, mungkin, ada kebaikannya sbb kita akan belajar utk tidak bersikap begitu... so, to them.. thank you...

tidak dinafikan, ada org yg ditakdirkan utk cross path with us utk seketika.. tapi, mereka mmg hadir tepat pada masanya... so, samada mereka akan stay or not.. kita tak patut halang... so, to them, thank you...

kenapa saya sibuk nak berterima kasih pada org? well, for me.... tak salah utk kita berterima kasih pada kawan2 and family kita yg sentiasa ada dgn kita.. kita tak perlu tunggu birthday mereka or special occasion utk ucapkan itu.. kan? siapa tau, mungkin, jika kita dpt ceriakan hati seseorang?

=)
thank you.

pray for me!

i should start to look things differently...
i should start to talk about it with someone rather than keep it to myself and blame everything to myself...
i should start to understand that sometimes, not everything in our lives can be control...
i should start to learn that we need some help out there as we can't so it ourself...
i should really start to change rather than only writing it down...
i should give myself a slap in my face to wake up...
i should...
and this time...
i will...
InsyaAllah...
pray for me!

tak habis2

when i'm sad... saya ada satu sikap dimana saya akan berperangai pelik... saya akan ckp semuanya ok... saya akan buat mcm saya tak kisah.. saya akan menulis tanpa berfikir panjang... saya akan nampak happy tapi otak saya berkerja kerasa berfikir and saya sentiasa takut kalau2 ada org tau saya sedih...

BUT...

saya tau kdg2 org akan tau saya sedih sbb ada kalanya.... bila saya runsing, muka saya sgt mengambarkan semuanya... tiba2 senyuman tak cukup manis... saya senyap tanpa disedari... kalau org yg rapat dgn saya akan perasan benda ni... and what i will do? saya takkan mengaku bila ditanya... or, saya akan ckp, takpe... nanti everything will be ok...

WHY?

sebabnya satu je.... pemikiran saya.... bila kita berbuat baik pada org, we can't be expecting org buat baik pada kita... so.... bila org ada masalah, i will be there... but, it doesn't mean they will be here for me... saya taknak diorang ada hanya kerana dulu saya ada bersama mereka, so, mereka sekadar nak balas budi...

NO.. NO....

bukan mcm tu yg saya nak... kalau ada org nak ada dgn saya masa saya runsing, saya harapkan sbb kamu benar2 kisah tentang saya.... not because u have to be here sbb i used to be there for u...

pemikiran saya.... saya taknak susahkan sesiapa... but saya tak kisah bersusah utk org... saya benar2 taknak susahkan sesiapa... saya akan simpan apa yg saya fikirkan dan jika itu masalah, saya akan pendam n cuba selesaikan sendiri... saya taknak susahkan sesiapa.... i wish i can tell everyone yg saya mmg takde niat nak susahkan sesiapa.. no.... betul2 takde niat...

tapi, nampaknya... inilah saya... tak habis2 nak susahkan org... tak habis2 nak bebankan org....

=(

can i?

this is hard... kan? 
we can't be sure of everything...
yet, i want to ensure i can plan everything...


this is hard,kan?
i don't want to burden anyone...
yet, that is exactly what i'm doing...


this is hard,kan?
if i felted so hard, 
yet, that person will fell more harder than me..


this is hard,kan?
i just want to be ok...
yet, the decision is not in my hand...


this is hard,kan?
i can't any decision...


i want to cry  be strong...
i need to try...
can i?

what should i do?

pada saat saya menarik nafas lega sbb igtkan semuanya dah berlancar, that is when i'm wrong.... saya benar2 percaya apa yg saya buat tu dah cukup utk pastikan semuanya berjalan lancar... saya dah dptkan confirmation.... but then again, we can't really confirm everything huh? so here i am... saya tak suka perasaan ni... rasa sgt sgt terganggu... i dont like it and will never will get used to it...

mcm mana nak settle... mcm mana nak stop jadi beban? mcm mana????

everytime.... everytime i think i want to make things better, di situ la saya salah...

bila saya nak cuba utk tidak give up and up for the challenge, that is when saya rasa nak jatuh...

saya tak sekuat mana... but i always pretended i am...

beban... saya taknak jadi beban siapa2...

takkan jadi beban...

=(

what should i do?

what is my ultimate decision?

Allah, plz give me petunjuk... i dont know what to do.. and only to You that i can turn to... Amin..

=(

dont try

Come on, don't waste time for something that r not there for u.. Stop dreaming for something u want.. Not necessary u can get it.. Sometimes, that is only a fantasy.. U won't get it by only dreaming about it.. Atleast u must try to work it out.. HOWEVER, this is only provided that u can work it out after take into consideration of everything.. Ok? Come on, we have to be rational.. Sometimes, we can try to work it out.. But sometimes, there r things that r obviously not ours.. So, don't try to push it.. Ok? :)

haih

Its hard when we fall for someone easily.. Its hard if we actually fall for that person when they don't fell the same.. Its hard when we keep on thinking about that when we befriend with everyone.. Sometimes, all I want to do just to find new friend.. But, suddenly I'm stuck with someone who assume I like them.. @___@

Susah la mcm ni.. @___@

random

i'm not good in words...
really....
unless...
when i have inspiration...
=)

ok... let's start...

how's life lately?
well, its a up and down week...
there's one moment where i'm so confuse of whether i should continue my studies or give up..
there's a moment to decide what's the best..
there's a moment where i need to find a way to make things easier to people around me..
well, doesnt that sounds like me?
haha...

but later, after that test from Allah S.W.T, i finally manage to find the light at the end of the tunnel..

finally, things started to fall in the right place...
oh, i'm so thankful to Allah for it...
Alhamdulillah...

now, i have another decision to make...
which subjects for this semester...
sounds like a easy thing...
well, not that easy..
haha...

and i have a few more things to settle up..
i haven't registered as student yet for this new semester...

oh, btw, today i went out with my brothers and father..
we went out for a ikan bakar eating session...
but, my main menu was not fish...
but, crab!
haha...
i'm a crab-freak...
and thank God my father do remember to order that for me...
so, i dont care about those ikan bakar sedap...
haha...

plus, on top of that...
my mom prepared chicken rice at home...
the best ayam berempah ever... haha...
so i'm totally full right now...
and i can't sleep...

btw, my brother bbm-ed me and asked where r we going tomorrow...
but i just leave it to him to decide...
haha...
but i did told him to choose somewhere nice for lunch... ;p

btw, now i remembered i bought a few nice books... i love books.. but i haven't read all of it... but i just can't help it to keep on buying... good book amuse me... like seriously.... so tomorrow, i need to allocate time to read it and cut the time of watching tv... hehe...

i will only watch bones, masterchef, criminal minds, ncis, csi, the big C and etc..
erkk... hahaha... i have a long list yg series n shows... hahaha...

hmmm... what else in my mind...?
oh, few days back, i've got a dream.. err... but i better keep it as secret first... :p

well, i need to go and feed my rabbit now...
yeah... i know now is midnight... but my rabbit eat a lot.. haha...

till then, bye...

=)

best?

weee....
dah lama dah tak buat entry tulis pasal benda2 jiwang...
maybe sbb dah lama tak fikir...
best best...
hehe...

buat apa nak fikir benda yg takde...
buat apa nak fikir benda yg will only drag me kat "emo land"
haha...

like whatever... ;p

a very long post

finally i'm here...
writing this entry after almost a month i never on my laptop...
all this while, i will just make a quick update using ipod as i'm busy with my examination etc etc...

but now...
i'm free from any exam now.. (actually it had been almost 2 weeks)
yey.... but, i never stop thinking about my studies... i keep on planing about the subjects that i should choose for next semester.. yes... since i'm sitting for professional examination, i can choose which subject to take each semester and i can choose myself i want to complete it within how many semester...

but, the thing is... i have 5 subjects to be completed and i took 2 subjects last semester and that leave me with 3... but this is provided if i pass the 2 papers... u got what i mean?

so, i decided to take 2 more this semester and see how it goes... i know i'm a lil bit behind as compared to my fellow friends.. but, i dont mind... i just love to do things my way... =) plus, someone told me, "it's ok for u to finish late if u have your own planning... "

so yes... i dont mind... =)

u know.. it is not easy for me to choose my own path... it is not easy to do something that not everyone is doing... i know, everyone have their difficulties.. so am i... no one can be sure that what i choose to be in is easy... i might choose a less challenging path, but, i have my own reason... i have my other problem that maybe u guys r not aware of... whatever decision i made, i will always take into consideration the people that might get affected by it... some people will say i over think, but, screw u... u r not in my position... i respected u, plus, i supported u... can u please do the same towards me?

ok... enough with this serious education thingy...

what r u guys been doing for this holiday?

mostly i spend my time playing games and watch tv... and plus my brother is back in malaysia for his holiday.. so, i'm "shadowing" him... haha... i will just follow him to any mall and eat good food... he will treat me, that's the best part.. haha...

but if he decided to spend time with his friends, i will just sit back at home n watch tv as i dont have any transportation to go out... because all this while, when my brother is in uk for his phd, i'm using his car to go around.. haha...

u know.. i'm glad to have my two big brothers... both of them really do take care of me even if they don't show it directly... as u know, i am a person that really loves to talk... so, i will talk and talk with my brothers but usually they will only respond with one short sentence... hahaha... like whatever... but i know they care... heee....

eh... i was supposed to write something interesting but i end up writing this.. haha...

oh... i just got this one magazine... i was so excited to get this magazine because in this issue, they will print out the name of ACAMS graduates... since i passed the exam few months back, so, i'm so excited...

when i saw the magazine in my mail box, i open it and shouted to my mom and brother.. haha... as esah said in her post, i'm so proud of myself too... =)

so, to my fellow ACAMS friends, congratulation! we made it... =)

ok.. enough with that..

what should i do now?

.
.
.
gonna write more in next post.. got to go... =)

cuba dgr

currently suka sgt dgr lagu ni.. ipod, bb, laptop... anywhere....

lagu ni sahaja...

path

i feel it is so hard for me to think about everything...
hard.. really hard...
huhu...

maybe...
its about time...
i need to let go of this...
and change my path....
no one will guarantee which path is the best for me except for Allah S.W.T.
all i can do, just to walk carefully in the path that i choose...

think really hard

ada masa i just need to sit back and think back about everything...
i can plan something, but, it will change time by time...

up to a point where i can't figure out what to do...

everything is not in the place...

all i want to do is to do what i want...
without having to worry something that is not my responsibility...
but that's not my call...

i need to figure out what i should do....
plan everything...
think about pros and cons of everything...

plus, i don't want to keep on burden people...
enough is enough...
i need to decide...
what's the best....
not what i want....

coz if u ask me what i want,
its rather obvious...
i just want a simple life where i can study without worrying about anything....
but again...
that's not my call....

i need to think about it....
think really hard about it...
yes...
thank you...

No matter what

Ada kalanya its ok to let it out.. To share it with someone.. Walaupun i know i shouldnt share about it.. But, the burden is too heavy and need to be lifted.. So that's exactly what i do... Huuuu... I'm sorry.. I never want to tell people about this, but, i need to move on..

I love u no matter what.. :)

I am ok

No.. I shouldnt be like this.. Even if i write 1000 words about how sad i am, that will not help me..

Ya Allah, i know this is a test from You.. And i should be strong enough to face it.. And even if this is very painful as i cant share it with no one, i can always count on You.. Its just me that occasionally forget about You, but i'm sure You never forget me as the test is a sign that i need to be reminded.. am i right?

Ya Allah, i am in pain.. i wish i can settle up my probs and be strong. I just want to do what i'm good in.. Or atleast i think i'm good at this.. This is one of the way for me to change my life.. Oh God, why is it hard for me to be strong? Am i that weak? I just want to cry and let go of this.. I know i can.. Please guide me Allah.. And please let me cry this once to let go of everything and start it with a new stronger me.. Amin..

I know, it is not ok to tell people that i'm ok when i'm not, however, it is not right for me to tell people about some secret huh? A secret will remain as a secret.. Even by lying that i'm ok.. :((

Terlalu takut nak ckp

Slalunya, bila kita rasa kita dah ok utk laluinya, masa tu la kita sedar kita tak sekuat.. :( rasa mcm kuat, tp i guess tak sekuat mana.. Cuma i terkilan sbb i just want to do something that i minat.. Tu pun tak boleh? Should i just let go? :( maybe i should stop telling people that i'm ok so that them will understand.. But, the thing is, saya terlalu takut nak ckp apa yg saya mahu dan apa yg saya perlukan.. Saya taknak jadi beban org.. But mmg sakit bila kene sendirian hadapi ni.. But, i pray i will be ok.. Hope i will be strong enough to face this and somehow know the solution.. :(

I'm not good in managing it all by my own.. But i always wanted to be responsible even some of the things are not my responsibilities.. Hey, someone kene pikul kan?

Saya ada kedai kesukaan yg baru sekarang.. Kedai buku and pets store.. Hehe..

Kedai buku coz saya suka beli buku.. And also kertas utk kad ciptaan saya! Hehe.. Kedai haiwan sbb i love to buy something for my cats and rabbit..

:)

Kucing saya sgt manja n bijak.. Yg sekor tu nampak sombong sbb nama dia princess.. Haha.. But ada masanya, dia mcm tau saya sedih n dia akan berkepit je.. :) sgt suka kacau dia... Nanti dia akan buat muka tak puas hati..

Kucing lg satu tu plak, dia sgt macho walaupun nama dia candy..dia sgt gemuk tapi mcm pendek.. So dia mcm ayam katik.. Haha.. Tapi dia sgt manja sebenarnya.. Paling best tgk dia buat muka macho bila princess marah2 dia.. Hehe..

And ciko! Arnab nakal dibilik saya.. Hehe.. Kalau letak lama sgt dlm bilik, bila bukak je pintu dia akan lompat2 mcm beruk.. And kalau dia nak makan, dia akan lari keliling kaki saya.. Mcm beruk.. Then bila dia marah, dia tumpahkan makanan.. Mmg beruk.. And dia akan gigit2 seluar saya kalau dia tgk saya bersiap nak keluar.. Dengki.. Ish4..

Ok, tu jeee.. ;)

Tiba2 rasa mcm nak pergi spa utk kaki.. ^_^

Sgt happy bila kita boleh buat apa yg kita suka..

Sgt bersyukur dpt bersama dgn org yg kita syg..

I might have a heart sekeras batu..

But, i have a very soft heart utk family and my friends.. :)

:)

Btw, dulu if bosan or sedih, i will write.. But now, i will make a card! It started dulu2 utk saje2 bg kat kwn.. But now i semakin minat dan minat.. Tak sabar fikirkan dpt bg org sesuatu... ;)

Oh, ada siapa2 nak keluar dgn saya? Jom2! :)

Terima dgn hati terbuka

Kenapa kita nak mintak sesuatu yg lebih drpd apa yg kita layak? Kenapa kita nak salahkan diri apabila musibah menimpa? Sedangkan musibah tu adakakanya menunjukkan betapa istimewanya kita di mata tuhan hingga Dia menguji kita walaupun kita rasa kita tak mampu laluinya.. Kan? And yes, ada kalanya kita dpt sesuatu tapi kita akan kehilangan sesuatu yg lain..

But, siapa kita utk meminta semuanya menjadi milik kita.. Kan? Mungkin kita ada itu, kita hilang ini, dan mungkin ada masanya, yg itu pun kita hilang, well, itu hanyalah ujian utk kita kuatkan hati kerana pasti ad sesuatu utk kita.. Kalau semua org ikut jalan itu dan berjaya, tak semestinya kita yg ada lencongan dlm jalan kita dan cedera ini takkan berjaya.. Mungkin kita lambat, mungkin kita tak tuju ke tempat yg sama seperti org lain, tapi, definisi kejayaan itu subjektif.. Ada org anggap dpt rumah besar itu kejayaan. Ada org anggap ada rumah kecik tapi sentiasa bersama itu kejayaan.. Ada org anggap, dpt hantar duit pada family itu kejayaan.. So, siapa kita nak pertikaikan pandangan setiap org tentang kejayaan? Kenapa nak compare kononnya org itu tak cukup berjaya? Come on, open up our heart, ucaplah tahniah pada org yg berjaya itu tanpa niat memperkecilkannya.. Siapa kita utk pertikaikannya? Kalau awk rasa awk bagus, lihat sekeliling sekali lagi, ada lg ramai yg bagus... :)

Dan pada yg berjaya tu, sentiasa tunduk kepala kau.. Kerana tak semestinya bila awk berjaya sekarang, awk ada hak hina org.. Kerana tak semestinya awk akan berjaya lg pada masa depan.. Rezeki tuhan nak bg, kita terima.. Tapi jgn salah guna kerana bila2 masa je tuhan boleh tarik balik.. Dan utk org yg mmg dah buat sebaik mungkin utk rendah diri, jaga hati org, tapi, tuhan tetap tarik balik rezeki itu, jgnlah pula kamu rasa seperti tuhan tak hargai kamu.. Kerana kamu diuji kerana tuhan syg kamu dan ingin memberi ganjaran lebih utk kamu bila kamu berjaya lalui ujian itu.. So, terima dgn hati yg terbuka.. :)

:)

Satu hari nanti

Satu hari nanti mungkin akan ada ygfaham apa yg saya rasakan dan fikirkan.. Saya taknak perhatian itu, saya independent enough to take care of myself.. But, ada masa2 saya mahu org bgtau saya apa patut saya lakukan.. U got what i mean? But yes, hati saya sekeras2 nya but satu hari nanti pasti akan berlembut.. :) saya dah penat nak ckp pasal hati dan perasaan.. It doesnt matter anymore for me.. Lebih lama fikir, lg susah nak lupa.. So, saya lebih suka fikir hal family dan hal kawan2.. Penat nak bermain dgn hati dan perasaan kerana hal ni takkan berakhir..

Hmmm.. But, if saya boleh padam certain things, saya pasti akan lakukan.. Saya akan memilih utk tak pernah suka dia.. Supaya sekarang saya tak rasa kacau melihat dia dan mereka..

Hmmmm.. Bila la hati ni nak benar2 bekerjasama.. Tapi takpela...

konvo!

=)
Alhamdulillah....
tadi dah konvo secara rasmi... i'm grateful...
=)

the journey was long actually....
2 years in diploma...
ok, yg ni dah konvo masa 2008.. haha...
then 2 1/2 years for my degree....
=)

i feel old...
haha...

alhamdulillah...
i cant stop saying this...
u know... and one more thing....
apart of my family,
i can't thank enough my friends...
my batch mates and classmates in particular...
and specially my clique...
yes....

i dont think i can make it if i dont have them...
hmmm...

well... i'm a bit tired now...
i will just upload a few pictures...
=)

kami sgt happy! haha

=) love them!

me me! haha...

more to come... need a rest first.... cuaca sgt panas... kepala sakit.. huhu...

13 may

Hai there.. Lama rasanya menghilang.. Why? Sbb sibuk reply birthday wishes..

Yes.. my birthday la of coz! Haha.. 13th May is my birthday.. I celebrated it one day earlier with my family. :)

Alhamdulillah.. now i'm one year older.. Heeee...

What i want to say is, kdg2, i might look like i have everything i want.. But, actully there is this one thing that i cant get n i'm kinda sad about it.. Hmmm.. But bila fkir balik, saya sgt bersyukur... :)

Dah tua tapi entry masih begini.. haha

P/s: yes, birthday saya ni ada dlm buku sejarah as rusuhan kaum.. But im not anything like that.. I went to chinese school, have indian as my best friend n went to uitm where all of them are bumiputra.. :)

kan?

bila tegas, org ckp tak bertimbang rasa...
bila terima je semua, hati sendiri yg akan sakit...
bila mengadu sakit hati, org ckp tak abis2 nak mengadu...
bila diamkan diri, org makin menjadi2 n pijak kepala...
bila kene pijak kepala, ada org suh jadi selfish sket.. jgn mudah sgt kene pijak kepala...
bila jadi selfish.. org kutuk belakang..

so.. what the hell i should do?

last2 kene simpan sendiri gak....
telan je la apa yg diterima...
kan?

jgn!

saya taknak buat dah...
saya dah penat tau tak?
tlg la...
kamu sedut setiap kekuatan saya...
kamu cucuk duri dlm hati saya...

saya nak mintak satu..
tlg pergi jauh2....
taknak ada connection....

jauh2....
pergi...
or, let me go....
and jgn dtg cari lg!

-___-

haish... mcm mana nak ckp eh...
hmmm...
lupakan je la...
kalau tulis kang, bley buat gaduh ni...

-________-

hee...

saya benar2 suka perasaan bila saya boleh sumbat telinga dgn earphone hit the shuffle button... oh yeah! haha...

tak lama lg, umur dah nak meningkat lg.. but, apa bezanya? apa bezanya umur itu jika kita tak buat perubahan.. kan? so... yes... umur saya akan meningkat... as compared to last year... saya mmg byk berubah.... tahun lepas... waktu mcm ni... saya tgh praktikal... ada masa balik a bit late....

but i do remember this one time.. masa tu abg saya ada... dia dtg satu family.. and diorang nak balik dah esok tu.. but saya kan kerja.. so mcm takde masa nak luangkan masa.. then.. saya balik tu,dgn baju kerja, abg saya terus bwk one whole family pi ikea... sbb nak beli brg... come one.. sampai ikea pun pukul 930pm.. what do u expect.... haha... masa tu sebenarnya sgt letih n lapar.. sbb kebetulan that day sgt sibuk buat kerja n saya makan lunch pukul 5pm dgn memakan roti sahaja... then sambung kerja n pukul 8pm baru kuar office tu pun sbb senior halau balik... yey... dlm hati sgt happy sbb balik awal n berangan la nak makan kat rumah.. rupanya terus pergi ikea.. ok... -______-

so saya pun berjalan2 dgn gembiranya kat ikea dgn baju kerja saya itu... n melayan my nephew yg sgt comel.. haha.. ikea pun dah nak tutup masa tu... then i told my family saya nak tunggu kat kerusi2 bawah sbb nak beli hotdog utk isi perut... tapi semua dah habis n tinggal ice cream vanila rm1 tu.. haha... yes, i had no choice... dah lapar sgt masa tu... so beli ice cream n menikmatinya hingga lupa nak share dgn my nephew.. haha... selepas separuh dlm perut baru share dgn dia... hehe.. sampai rumah tu... terus tido.. sbb dah tak larat n terlepas la makan malam saya... hahaha...

so... what i want to say is... saya setahun yg lepas tak seperti saya sekarang..

no.. saya masih suka vanilla.. lol..

no no...
as in... my position now...
setahun lepas.. saya pelajar uitm...
sekarang? saya ex pelajar uitm...
setahun lepas, kawan2 saya semua disisi...
sekarang? kami mengejar cita2 masing2...

setahun lepas mengajar saya mcm2...
so... utk hari saya nak meningkat umur ni....
=)
saya cuma nak senyum...
tak lama lg... beberapa hari saja lagi... senyum....

heeeee.....

Should i?

Saya bermula dgn menulis ni bila saya terasa jiwa saya kacau.. Masih igt dulu saya selalu akhirinya dgn mengatakan inilah saya, saya yg mengikut arah angin..

Dan saya menulis bukan utk org baca tapi sekadar utk jadikan tempat saya luahkan apa yg saya rasa.. :)

Saya tak kisah jika tiada yg membaca.. Sbb, come on... Punya la byk blog, nape org nak pilih blog emo saya.. Haha.. But, i dont care.. :)

Btw, ada benda yg mengganggu fikiran saya.. Should i let it out ? Hmmm

Try- happy

Apa yg saya suka? Well, saya suka bila i can do something utk happykan org.. Walau saya tau saya takde bakat tapi saya tetap suka mencuba.. Malah pernah terfikir nak jadi wedding planner or event organizer.. Haha.. Surprise? Haha.. Entahlah.. Saya suka memikirkan yg i'm planing something yg mengembirakan.. Haha.. Ok, why am i telling this? Sbb, everytime saya rasa sedih, i will try to make someone else happy.. Ni cara ni je yg buat saya kurang memikirkan benda tu.. :) weird huh? I want to be happy.. So, plz layan je if saya tiba2 bg kamu hand made card.. Haha! Peace!

stop playing around

don't say u miss me when u don't mean it...
don't say u miss me when u have someone else...
and don't tell me to ignore her feelings and say that she deserve it because she's the reason we separated...

firstly, we separated because we dont get along together anymore... the sparkle was just not there anymore... gone...

secondly, i know how it felt like to get cheated... it hurts... and i dont want she to face it... she loves u so much... just take care of her... stop playing around... stop letting her down...

=)

maafkan saya

i'm so sorry God...
oh my... betapa berdosanya saya....
kalah dgn ujian yg diberi...

betapa berdosanya saya....
bila saya juga menjadi seperti org yg saya tidak sukai iaitu inginkan agar ada org bertolak ansur dgn saya....

betapa lemahnya saya....
kerana, jika ujian itu diberi Tuhan kepada saya, ertinya, saya perlu kuatkan hati dan bertolak ansur... remember nur... dont ask for anything that people can't give u.... dont.... semua org ada limitation sendiri... sure, they have their reasons to hurt u...

betapa berdosanya saya kerana ingin bersedih dan rasakan seperti susah nak luahkan apa yg saya rasa... sedangkan, Tuhan itu sentiasa ada... Dia paling memahami kita walaupun pada ketika kita tidak memahami diri kita sendiri...

Ya Allah... saya berdosa kerana hampir putus asa walaupun ada ketika Kau berikan rezeki pada saya.. ketika Kau berikan org2 utk sentiasa menyokong saya...

Maafkan saya...

there is no point of saying Alhamdulillah bila saya gagal dgn ujian kecil ni... Maafkan kesilapan ini... ya, saya benar2 perlu bersyukur dgn segalanya n menerimanya dgn hati yg terbuka... Alhamdulillah... Tuhan yg Maha Pengasih masih percayakan saya dan memberi ujian itu... Alhamdulillah.... saya bersyukur...

*taknak sedih2.. taknak....*

one night only

i miss being me... yes...
u read it correctly...
i miss being me...
all i wanted to do tonight is...
tutup lampu...
sumbat telinga dgn earphone...
put the volume to the max...
and hit the play button...
and just listening to the music...
laugh.. cry... scream....

that is all i wanted to do...
just being me...

Invisible

I want to be invisible because my existance dont make a difference..

Jiwa kacau

Yes, looking at my post, saya mmg tgh jiwa kacau.. Tak suka perasaan mcm ni.. Hmmmm... The only way to get better is by writing it here.. I have a lot in my mind.. Hmmm.. Maybe that is why berlakunya jiwa kacau.. Hmmm... Kdg2, berfikir byk sgt membawa mudarat pada diri sbb kita mungkin akan mempertikaikan apa yg kita dpt n menjadi tak bersyukur.. :) kan? Hmmm.. So, bila jiwa saya kacau n getting there, i will look at myself.. Kita takley terlalu berharap n patut bersyukur dgn apa yg ada... :) kan? Ok, i will be ok.. InsyaAllah..

Am i right?

Setiap org tak lari drpd masalah.. Ya, mungkin org tu nampak ok dan kamu nampak teruk, but how sure r u org tu takde masalah? How sure? And yes, ada masanya i might look like i get everything i want, but how sure r u that r EVERYTHING that i want? Cuma, i'm thankful with what i have.. As all of us know, not everything that we want is the one we need..

Hmm

Kdg2 dlm hidup kita ni, kita akan bertindak n tanpa kita sedar, kita dah melampaui batasan yg ada.. Adakalanya, bila kita lihat org buat kesilapan, kita tegur dan nasihatkan semula org tu berhati hati dan tak cross the line.. But here kita sendiri yg pi bertindak mcm tu.. But thank God i realized it quickly and stop it.. Remember, dont expect too much from people because they might value us differently and not like how we valued them.. U got what i mean? Hmmm..

Mari senyum

Akhirnya i can play games without having to calculate how much more pages that i need to study.. =) btw, rasa nak senyum je.. Ada siapa2 nak senyum dgn saya? Heee

love u umi

ok.. tadi dah penat tension, nak tulis benda best... =)

umi...
=)

i'm grateful to be your daughter umi... masa nur degil2, umi tetap sabar... mcm masa if umi suruh nur masukkan makanan dlm peti sejuk, nur lupa... umi sentiasa double check n simpan sendiri... masa nur tgh sedih... taknak keluar bilik.. taknak makan... umi tetap memahami... umi tak paksa nur utk cerita coz u know nur tak ready n plus nur susah nak tunjuk my emotion...

i'm grateful to have u umi.... umi selalu masak makanan kesukaan kami semua... umi slalu pening setiap hari utk fikir nak masak apa... when i say want something, umi akan diam je... then, umi akan bg... =)

i'm grateful sbb umi sentiasa percaya kat nur... terutamanya hal study... nur slalu rasa nur tak pandai... nur slalu rasa abg am n abg wan sgt pandai... but umi slalu kata, nur sama pandai mcm mereka... nur pandai dlm bidang nur.. dan mereka pandai dlm bidang mereka... u're so sweet umi.... =)

nur slalu buat perangai masa kecik2... i know.... nur akan buat perangai n merajuk bila nur tak dpt sesuatu... but umi ajar nur utk berubah... sbb ada masanya umi akan layan... ada masanya, umi biarkan nur utk fikir sendiri... yes umi... nur belajar.... sbbkan tu juga, nur tau.. bukan semua benda yg kita nak,kita perlu dpt...

nur sgt beruntung ada umi... umi igt tak? there was this one time.. masa nur kecik2.. umi suruh nur solat... but, nur sibuk sikat rambut... sbb masa tu i have a long n wavy hair... then masa tu, somehow.. sikat tu tersekat kat rambut nur... omg... menangis.... then abg am menambahkan ketakutan nur sbb dia ckp nanti rambut nur kene potong jadi botak... nur dah meraung2 takut n ckp taknak pergi tadika... haha... abg am tak habis2 ckp nur akan jadi botak.... nur percaya sbb masa tu abg am dah potong botak rambut2 barbie doll nur... but there u go.. umi tetap tenang n cuba leraikan sikat from rambut nur walaupun nur n abg am tgh menjerit2 sampai nak hilang suara.. hahaha... so funny....

what i want to say is.. umi.. u know... nur kagum dgn umi punya ketenangan... i dont know whether i can be like u... tenang je.... plus, umi sentiasa ada untuk kami.... when no one else r there...

umi juga sentiasa percayakan nur.. nur boleh buat apa saje yg nur nak dan pergi mana saje yg nur mahu... but don't worry umi... nur takkan sia2kan kepercayaan umi... i will tell u everything.. termasuk zaman nur couple dulu... nur bgtau umi yg nur nak pergi dating.. =)

i love u umi... nur janji akan sentiasa cuba utk jadi anak yg baik... but, if ada salah n silap nur... i'm sorry....
=)

LOVE U UMI.

=)

oh yeh

haha... my previous post sgt dramatik...

maafkan saya ya...

panas la... kepala serius rasa panas... n plus mata rasa pedih akibat kepanasan itu...

haha...

abaikan saje k...

heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee......

haha... insanity

saya baru habis my mock exam...

perasaan? i lost my insanity...

why?

i started my day without breakfast...

i took my lunch at 12pm dgn makan roti...

i wanted to buy my fav green tea.. tapi takde... so, soya it is...

ok.. now the exam part...

saya dah dpt predict perasaan saya lepas ni sbb before ni masa test, stress juga...

and, my lecturer have this attitude of sgt sgt sgt kedekut markah...

dimana kalau saya jawab mcm tu masa degree, sure akan lulus...

tapi, kalau bg dia tanda, markah akan jadi bwh paras lulus...

-____-

masa test lepas, utk paper ni.. dia cuma luluskan dua org..

no no.. kelas saya bukan 5 org in total ya..

kelas saya 30+ org in total...

-_____-

haha... but lecturer ni mmg bagus pun... cuma sgt tegas sbb dia ni pernah jadi examiner utk this paper based in uk...

ok... kembali pada exam tadi...

jeng jeng jeng...

malas la nak citer...

yg pasti.. ada satu ketika, saya begitu mengagumi soalan itu sampai rasa nak tertembus saya lihat kertas soalan...

-______-'

hmmm...

keluar exam hall yg sejuk mcm peti ais tu rasa kepala panas mcm arang bbq..

-_____-"

plus... cuaca sgt sgt sgt panas... pukul 4pm kan... mmg la panas...

huhu...

plus... driving ketika panas sgt tak best.... kepala dah la panas.. then ada plak pemandu yg bodoh tak reti bg signal tiba2 masuk... and, ada kereta bodoh yg asyik himpit nak masuk.. then bila dah bg masuk, masuk mcm kura2 patah satu kaki sbb sibuk gelak2 pegang hp... -______-'

tak cukup dgn itu.. dgn pemandu yg bodo asyik cucuk kereta saya sedangkan kiri kanan saya kosong n if dia tak sabar nak berak, boleh je masuk lane sebelah.... -____-

bertambah menyampah bila pemandunya memakai cermin mata hitam n tersenyum sumbing hingga membuatkan saya nak muntah lalu saya tukar ke lane laju... tapi lelaki itu sgt bodoh n tetap ikut... sampai di tol pula.. dia di belakang saya sibuk2 nak guna smart tag juga n plus smart tag tetiba byk kereta dan saya kene tgk muka pemandu kereta belakang yg telah buka cermin mata hitam n tgh kenyit mata... rasa nak muntah lg... so lepas tol terus bwk kereta n tinggalkan asap kat lelaki bodoh itu...

saya rasa sgt panas hati panas kepala n panas panas panas... so masuk bilik, sempat bukak tudung je... dgn baju masih ada, saya terus masuk bilik air duduk bwh shower n mula rasa nak nangis... damn! but taknak nangis... selepas 20 minit tiba2 rasa sejuk... tak pasal2 kene jemur baju n jeans sbb semua dah basah kuyup...

-_____-

so ya.. i lost my insanity...

plus.. esok exam saya 9am.. haha..

ok... cut the crap out!

saya ok je sebenarnya.. cuma saya tak boleh kene panas.. sbb akan sakit kepala... so, tu yg jadi rasa mcm nak marah...

now i'm ok plus tgh gelak sbb baca bebelan saya di atas ini.. haha...

=)

senyum je la.... nak turun cari green tea sejuk! oh yeh!